3 years

*waves*
It's now August 2015. 3 years since I last looked at this blog. It's funny how completely you can abandon something that you once sunk so much effort into.
Many things have happened since 2012: planes falling out of the sky, wars, more mass shootings. New planets explored, new cures found. The world keeps turning, good things and bad things perpetually happening.
But.
This blog is about (self-absorbed) me, first and foremost, and here's how I've changed:
- I'm now 23
- I'm a 2nd year medical student
- I've moved out from my parents' home to a different city 300km away
- I'm...happy? I gained a bit of self-worth, and I actually look forward to the start of next week.
- I get less time to game and squee over anime/fic, but it's still a comfort source and guilty pleasure.

Here's how I've stayed the same (and hoping to change)
- Still relatively introverted, quiet, inarticulate with my thoughts and ineffective with my communication.
- Still have low self-confidence, and almost no self respect
- Still scared to open up to people
- Still strange, always doing things in an unconventional way, disorganised
- many more

Why pick tonight to restart this blog?
Well, I lead a special interest group at the medical school now. Earlier in the evening, we put on a speaker's night to which a lot of people RSVPed to but ended up not turning up. Although this sort of phenomena (referred to as the 3/10th rule??) wasn't unexpected of a facebook event, it compounded with my awkwardness and nervousness in introducing speakers and running the night, and made me realise that there's so much of myself that I still need to change.
People here have described me as eccentric, a bit neurotic, one-of-a-kind. My superpower would be being inclusive and making others feel at ease. On the other hand, I may be too much of a people pleaser, or a push-over, or unmotivated to excel. People around me are publishing articles right and left, but what little drive I have for padding out my resume dies down before anything comes to fruition. But above all else, I need to communicate better: more clearly and confidently. Only then will people listen.

To that end, I will put my thoughts onto (e-)paper. These days, it's mostly all medicine related.
Even if it's really short and pointless, I'm going to aim for one post per day and make it searchable to myself via tagging. That's quite a bit of spam, so Kate, Hannah- please unfollow me if it gets annoying.

Regarding dentists, etc.

Heya,

I feel all warm and fuzzy you guys bothered to type such long comments out. d'awww thanks peeps. (In livejournal you can reply to individual comments. Can you do it on blogger? I just put all my replies into one comment)

Anyway...Imma gonna be FIRIN' MAH LAZARR trying to blog more regularly, because most people don't post once every year.

So I went to the dentist (location) today...I don't think anyway LIKES going to the dentist (except for the dentist (person), because apparently they earn heaps of money), but the dentist (location) is on the top of the list for 'places i loathe loathe loathe' in between shopping for clothes and public bathrooms.

So anyway, I went there, because one of my tooth hurts when I bite down and I thought it was a cavity, and, like tumors, you really shouldn't leave them to grow.

(by the way, I really hate it when the dentist ask you questions while they're doing stuff to your teeth because, seriously, are they expecting you to answer?)

But relief! It wasn't a cavity! (amazing). But apparently it hurts because my tooth is slightly cracked right next to nerves. And if I don't stop eating crunchy hard stuff it's gonna crumble like one of those ice-shelves under the influence of global warming and holy shit it's gonna be painful

But since I don't even like crunchy stuff (soggy stuff ftw), I figured it's because I eat gum all the time (not my own gums, i mean chewing gum), but while normal people spit it out after an hour, I spit it out like 8 hours later when my jaw starts to hurt or I get a headache (by then the gum is really hard).

ouch


In conclusion, the point of this post is- don't each too much hard stuff...apparently your teeth can crack. And I now sorta maybe believe Ximay about that time when she was eating a cucumber and half her tooth cracked off (and she swallowed it)

Hey

This post totally isn't due to the peeps who has been nagging at me to blog. totally isn't. at all.

On the subject of my life for the past year:
- is now in 2nd year of uni. motherfucking crapload of cbb,
- played a bunch of ds games. is sad that the ds is falling into obsolete-ness.
- OMFG ONE PIECE has taken over my life like an infectious disease OMFGWTFBBQ
- has grown 125% more cynical
- ...yeah.

On the subject of philosophical rambling:
(because you read my blog for this shit. right? right?)

My cohort (ie. people around my age), seem to be reaching an interesting place in life. I would call it a crossroad...but that seems to imply making choices, and this isn't really about that.
But we're really and truly out of high school, and although we're still studying, it's not all that insulated from the 'real world'.
Everyone's rushing to find jobs, earn money, gain independence while studying. It's almost competitive. We are all motivated to be successful as quickly as possible (or have surges of motivation to be successful). I'm hardly an exception...but it's still interesting to ask- why? what's the point?

I know I know- it sounds really obvious. I can think of many reasons, and there's undoubtedly dozens more depending on different people.
ie. success= more money, more power, more prestige.


But does having success equate to having a happy life?

I've been reading the Dresden Files series lately- it's mostly action mixed with magic and testosterone and fun...and the books are completely unrelated to this post. But it was a line somewhere in there that got me thinking.

Power, money, status. (and high marks, i guess) These give you OPTIONS- the freedom to pick and choose.
An example: a high Atar means you can pick out of a greater variety of courses. More money means you can choose to live in big houses.
It doesn't guarantee happiness.
They might contribute to happiness, yes. But that depends on what kind of person you are.

Now, in situations where the world is coming to an end and only the most powerful leaders and richest people get to escape- see 2012 (the movie), or where literally your life depends on climbing out of extreme poverty, etc- I'd say these qualities are really really important. But in this sort of environment (equality for everyone. centerlink support.), how important are having options, really? If you are happy at a $14 an hour, mediocre 9-5 job, how does having more options benefit you?

So what's the point, basically? Is having options that important, or can you be happy settling?
Does this make any sense, or am I just deluding myself?

My fuel!

Hi there once again. 

A new post after 2.whole.weeks. of non-posting?!?!!

Oh la la, shock hORrOr!!

Which just further proof on the theory that (my) inspiration is constipated. Long dry spells without any shit, followed by enlightened periods of shits and giggles!

Unfortunately, this post isn't very funny. 

To tell you the truth, I can ramble on and on for pages, but that wastes both my time and your time. We wouldn't to do that do we? 

Therefore, I prefer to include some philosophic (hopefully) idea about the meaning of life and such. Yes. I KNOW it is way beyond an ordinary teenager like me, but I like to think myself as clever, even though its a delusion. 

So! This is what drives me:

Let's make a pizza!

I have a base made out of survival instincts. This is pretty much wired in all of us, and it drives us to eat, drink, rest, etc: ie. live long enough to procreate.  

Now for the interesting stuff- the toppings. I'll use percentage, because things are easier to explain that way. 

40% hope: aspirations for the future, ideals made out of daydreams. These are optimistic and positive, and all of us has it in spades. We all want to be someone better, somewhere better than what/where we are now. It drives me to strive for a goal, to improve and impress. 

I fear the day where one runs out of hope. The truth and reality can be cold and cruel when one isn't covered by a warm blanket of hope. But hope can blind, just like a blanket can blind, when pulled over your head. So hold on to hope, but don't be blinded by it. (says cindy) Heehee.

30% fear:  fear is the opposite of hope. Both are visions of future. However, a person who hopes sees a better place, and a person who fears sees a place that is far worse. Instead of striving for this place, we strive to get far away from it as possible.  "omfg, if i don't study, i'm gonna phail!"

But in the same way, it drives me. Both hope and fear are strong incentives for action. 

15% self indulgence: Nope, not very proud of this one, but its true. Perhaps I am only speaking for myself here, so don't take offence. I am a very selfish creature, but I am entitled to be, because only I care about myself first and foremost. Just like georgina cares about georgina the most, and chrystal cares about chrystal the most, cindy cares about cindy the most. Now cindy should stop talking in the third person because cindy doesn't like her name very much. 

Self indulgence means serving one's own needs. When I need to play supermario rpg, I get my ass over to my laptop and gorge myself on supermario rpg. 

But self indulgence is not necessary a bad thing- as it is, ultimately, fuel. (and fuel is hard to come by these days. Just check the oil prices). If you want something really bad, you work hard in order to get the mysterious something. You wont necessary become a better person, but hey, it makes you happy. Isn't that what's important in life? 

15% peer pressure: I'm not only talking about the standard schoolyard peer pressure. I'm talking about approval from the people surrounding you: your family, friends, hot crush, whatever. It's about conforming to the masses, fulfilling other people's expectations of you. 

You don't do this for yourself, but you do this so others approve. 

I really, really, do not like this one. And its 15% of what drives me?! Oh, shame, shame! 

I must cut this down. Easier said than done though, just like everything else.

Now bake the pizza in an oven of self-reflection (or heat convection. I dunno, you can tell I don't do physics). Yes self-reflection is oh so good for you, but painful as hell and gives me a headache. And all this self-reflection is giving me a headache. I shall go off to ermm...play supermario rpg...

...So what drives you? Just gloss over it if you care to comment, please? I find all this quite interesting.

Just humor me. 

thoughts concerning psychology

Hey all! How are you spending your holiday time?

The next few posts will probably be vague and philosophical and not too entertaining; (unless you are also vague and philosophical too)
Just a warning XP
Just in case you're interested, these ideas are the result of me sitting in my room all day. When my brain isn't learning something at school, it's churning out strange ramblings such as the one here. Ah well, at least I can blog about it. Sad, no?

We all know how complex the human mind is. We've got a whole science devoted to it, after all- psychology.
Arguably, the father of psychology is Freud. But I'm afraid most of his theories are way beyound me at this point. I just want to make a few general comments about psychology

Psycho-analyzing reduces a person's complex psyche to their past experiences and influences. Having done this, the specialist applies theories onto it. How does this doing the essence of an individual- their fears, hopes, complex personality, complete with whims- enough justice?
I've read a lot of stories and watched shows where a character is forced to see a therapist, usually against their wishes. Therapy is often shown in a negative light. Therapists are often as comic relief characters, incompetent, batty and irresponsible.
On the flip side, the character undergoing therapy is always thinking something to the effect of: "how can anyone else figure out anything about me, especially as I can't figure it out myself?"
Does therapy actually resolve any problems in real life?

I hesitate to call psychology a 'science' (not that my opinion matters any), as opposed to physics or chemistry. Why? Because anything to do with the human mind is so subjective! The so called 'theories' of the field are formed from the results of large scale social experiments. But the human mind is wildly unpredictable. There must be thousands of variables involved in making a decision, all these occurring within a few seconds. Is there even possible way documenting all these variables, investigating, and drawing conclusions from these? Not the mention, how do you compare these results with anyone else's results?

I believe the basic mindset of a person is similar to the basic mindset of any animal- survival. There's no point accusing anyone of being selfish: we are all selfish. Some people hide it better than others. These are the people who are not selfish. I mean, we all have instincts and reflexes ingrained into us to ensure we survive to procreate. That's human physiology.

So how are we different from animals? We are 'civilized', and this, and only this, sets us apart from animals. Good manners and civilized behavior are taught to us by our parents. Civilized behavior are what society dictates, because they enable humans to coexist with each other.

But think about it: civilized behavior is unnatural. Civilization is unnatural. It allowed us humans to rule the world. Society protects individuals from nature. This fact, by itself, proves that civilization is unnatural, because humans are destroying the world. How can THAT be natural?

On a day to day basis, we are all perfectly capable of acting civil towards each other. However, in situations such as the one in "Lord of the Flies", survival instincts kick in.
These instincts are the so-called "sins" that the bible warns us against:
Each individual would want the largest possible portion of food, necessities, etc. for himself to ensure survival--> society calls this greed/selfishness
Each individual wants the most suitable mate for her/himself, so makes self as attractive as possible --> vanity
Every other person are competition in the game of survival --> loving thy neighbours? HAH!
Defending one's own territory --> war and patriotism
And so on.
Can the 'evilness' of humans be contributed to physiology?

Which brings me to a disturbing conclusion. Are all those "nice" people you see at school merely pretending to be nice? Perhaps they are just ingratiating themselves to you so that next time, you have an obligation to help them out?

Humans are social, pack animals like hyenas. Are your friends your pack, then?


On a site note, anyone following the American election?

Things I want to achieve in the next 6 months

Note to readers, which may or may not exist: This post isn't particularly entertaining. 

It's a little mind exercise I'm trying out...and to motivate myself. 

So...here goes:

Things I want to achieve in the next 6 months:

1. Make a dent on wall with a poker card (thrown)

2. Master Zigeunerweisen

3. Improve my reading speed

4. Learn to juggle

5. Be up to date with current news for the next 6 months

6. Write a story and post it on here

7. Write a poem and post it on here

8. Play the last 3 pages of Carmen with piano accompaniment

9. Improve my memory

10. Sleep for 8 hours everyday

11. Eat more healthily

12. Figure out composition

13. Get through ~1/2 of Kreutzer

14. Eat breakfast everyday

15. Strength my wrist more

16. Cut down on fanfiction

17. Read RSS feeds

18. Read NewScientist

19. Get bike

20. Be tethered to reality a lot more

21. Clean my laptop

22. Aim to not lose any stationary

23. Do more 100 lists like this

25. Update this blog regularly

26. Relax muscles when playing violin

27. Be more optimistic

28. Decrease self-loathing

29. Memorize physical routes

30. Aim to not fight with parents

31. Socialize more online

32. Socialize more in real life

33. Do homework on the day its set (if possible)

34. Frown less

35. Aim to not get any serious injuries

36. Drink more water everyday

37. Do not lose the squishy ball

38. Sit up straight when using laptop

39. Practise violin standing up

40. learn different methods and improve shifting

41. Learn different kinds of vibrato

42. Learn different methods and improve intonation

43. Try to be more decisive

44. Try to be more confident

45. Try not to dwell too much on past events

46. Maybe get a new violin?

47. Try to practise violin everyday (break it into sessions)

48. Improve my handwriting speed

49. Be more knowledgeable about a range of subjects (and remember them)

50. Build something grand Second Life (?)

51. Read as many books with the time I have

52. Figure out how to use musicoverage.com

53. Read the more popular articles on bookmarked sites (and follow through on their advice)

54. Improve study efficiency

55. Use my left hand better

56. Try to be less self-conscious

57. Learn how to meditate

58. Improve hearing

59. Keep glasses clean

60. Improve overall hygiene

61. Keep up to date with popular culture

62. Decrease waffling

63. Structure my mind

64. Figure out Blender basics

65. Figure out Blogspot

66. Re-organize my computer

67. Back up hard drive

68. Improve dental hygiene

69. Use 'pegging' system to remember things

70. Get to know people

71. Make more acquaintances

72. Be more outgoing

73. Improve typing speed/accuracy

74. Figure out photoshop

75. Be more active

76. Exercise more

77. Be more focused when needed

78. Form opinions and defend them

79. Learn more brainteasers and remember them

80. Stop looking like a vegetable all the time

81. Learn to lie in the bed I've made (metaphorically)

82. Make shoes less stinky

83. Compose a piece for fun

84. Be more efficient with time

85. Be less dependent on mp3

86. Learn to think critically

87. Be more motivated

88. Be more approachable

89. Learn to be less bothered by the heat

90. Vary my routines to make them more interesting

91. Read and remember all articles on litemind

92. Make entertaining posts on this blog

93. Learn conviction

94. Learn more quotes (and remember them)

95. Improve social skills and wittiness

96. Start arguments with people and win them

97. Access verbs from vocabulary quickly

98. Write an essay for fun

99. Find ways to get inspired, then get inspired

100. Learn to fake laughter

Phew....did these in one sitting.

Now I can look back on this post when I am procrastinating. 

If you actually read these- holy f**king cow skewered on a shish kabob and charred! If you have any tips/suggestions/rants, please share with poor, deprived me. 

Oh yes, this feels pretty awkward. But I'd really appreciate it if you start an argument with me. It'll be very intellectually stimulating both ways. 

If I'm sounding up myself, sorry- that's not my intention. But do tell me if I am. I'll add that to the list. 

Hey, it's Saturday. What did you expect? My life isn't a soapie.

Nothing particularly interesting happened, but since the newness of having a blog hasn't worn off yet, I thought I'd post some dustbunnies up. 

If found this stuff on the net last week (when I was SUPPOSED to be studying for my exams):

Maryse has a story about first-year students at Texas A's Vet School who were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.

 

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

 

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Vet Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body."

 

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

 

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

 

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

 

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

 

Now--learn to pay attention."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If anyone who reads this has seen one of those blurbs they write about the performers in a program, you'd get this one:

Otherwise, *shrugs*

Reprinted without permission from Edmonton Centre newsletter, Canada, and Canadian RCCO newsletter.The following program notes are from an unidentified piano recital.

Tonight's page turner, Ruth Spelke, studied under Ivan Schmertnick at the Boris Nitsky School of Page Turning in Philadelphia. She has been turning pages here and abroad for many years for some of the world's leading pianists.

In 1988, Ms. Spelke won the Wilson Page Turning Scholarship, which sent her to Israel to study page turning from left to right. She is winner of the 1984 Rimsky Korsakov Flight of the Bumblebee Prestissimo Medal, having turned 47 pages in an unprecedented 32 seconds. She was also a 1983 silver medalist at the Klutz Musical Page Pickup Competition: contestants retrieve and rearrange a musical score dropped from a Yamaha. Ms. Spelke excelled in "grace, swiftness, and especially poise."

For techniques, Ms. Spelke performs both the finger-licking and the bent-page corner methods. She works from a standard left bench position, and is the originator of the dipped-elbow page snatch, a style used to avoid obscuring the pianist's view of the music. She is page turner in residence in Fairfield Iowa, where she occupies the coveted Alfred Hitchcock Chair at the Fairfield Page Turning Institute.

Ms. Spelke is married, and has a nice house on a lake.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~l

This one is for Georgina, the hopeless romantic : (yes, I'm sad enough to dedicate something to someone)

Hans refers us to a local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received.

I thought that I could love no other

Until, that is, I met your brother.

 

Roses are red, violets are blue,

Sugar is sweet, and so are you.

 

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,

The sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

 

Oh loving beauty you float with grace

If only you could hide your face

 

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not

 

I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don't take that paper bag off of your face

 

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

 

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you screwed up my life

 

I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming <-- i like this one

 

My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way <--my fav

 

My feelings for you no words can tell,

Except for maybe "go to hell"

 

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime

******

I am more in my arsenal...(pheer me!)

If anyone finds these remotely funny, drop me a comment and I'll put more on. 

Sorry about the inconsistent font, by the way. I was copying and pasting all these stuff. 

Does anyone know how select all/paste stuff in the post entry box (where you type your entry in before you submit it)? For some reason, all the text goes to the bottom of the page instead of the box. Strange and annoying.