3 years

*waves*
It's now August 2015. 3 years since I last looked at this blog. It's funny how completely you can abandon something that you once sunk so much effort into.
Many things have happened since 2012: planes falling out of the sky, wars, more mass shootings. New planets explored, new cures found. The world keeps turning, good things and bad things perpetually happening.
But.
This blog is about (self-absorbed) me, first and foremost, and here's how I've changed:
- I'm now 23
- I'm a 2nd year medical student
- I've moved out from my parents' home to a different city 300km away
- I'm...happy? I gained a bit of self-worth, and I actually look forward to the start of next week.
- I get less time to game and squee over anime/fic, but it's still a comfort source and guilty pleasure.

Here's how I've stayed the same (and hoping to change)
- Still relatively introverted, quiet, inarticulate with my thoughts and ineffective with my communication.
- Still have low self-confidence, and almost no self respect
- Still scared to open up to people
- Still strange, always doing things in an unconventional way, disorganised
- many more

Why pick tonight to restart this blog?
Well, I lead a special interest group at the medical school now. Earlier in the evening, we put on a speaker's night to which a lot of people RSVPed to but ended up not turning up. Although this sort of phenomena (referred to as the 3/10th rule??) wasn't unexpected of a facebook event, it compounded with my awkwardness and nervousness in introducing speakers and running the night, and made me realise that there's so much of myself that I still need to change.
People here have described me as eccentric, a bit neurotic, one-of-a-kind. My superpower would be being inclusive and making others feel at ease. On the other hand, I may be too much of a people pleaser, or a push-over, or unmotivated to excel. People around me are publishing articles right and left, but what little drive I have for padding out my resume dies down before anything comes to fruition. But above all else, I need to communicate better: more clearly and confidently. Only then will people listen.

To that end, I will put my thoughts onto (e-)paper. These days, it's mostly all medicine related.
Even if it's really short and pointless, I'm going to aim for one post per day and make it searchable to myself via tagging. That's quite a bit of spam, so Kate, Hannah- please unfollow me if it gets annoying.

My fuel!

Hi there once again. 

A new post after 2.whole.weeks. of non-posting?!?!!

Oh la la, shock hORrOr!!

Which just further proof on the theory that (my) inspiration is constipated. Long dry spells without any shit, followed by enlightened periods of shits and giggles!

Unfortunately, this post isn't very funny. 

To tell you the truth, I can ramble on and on for pages, but that wastes both my time and your time. We wouldn't to do that do we? 

Therefore, I prefer to include some philosophic (hopefully) idea about the meaning of life and such. Yes. I KNOW it is way beyond an ordinary teenager like me, but I like to think myself as clever, even though its a delusion. 

So! This is what drives me:

Let's make a pizza!

I have a base made out of survival instincts. This is pretty much wired in all of us, and it drives us to eat, drink, rest, etc: ie. live long enough to procreate.  

Now for the interesting stuff- the toppings. I'll use percentage, because things are easier to explain that way. 

40% hope: aspirations for the future, ideals made out of daydreams. These are optimistic and positive, and all of us has it in spades. We all want to be someone better, somewhere better than what/where we are now. It drives me to strive for a goal, to improve and impress. 

I fear the day where one runs out of hope. The truth and reality can be cold and cruel when one isn't covered by a warm blanket of hope. But hope can blind, just like a blanket can blind, when pulled over your head. So hold on to hope, but don't be blinded by it. (says cindy) Heehee.

30% fear:  fear is the opposite of hope. Both are visions of future. However, a person who hopes sees a better place, and a person who fears sees a place that is far worse. Instead of striving for this place, we strive to get far away from it as possible.  "omfg, if i don't study, i'm gonna phail!"

But in the same way, it drives me. Both hope and fear are strong incentives for action. 

15% self indulgence: Nope, not very proud of this one, but its true. Perhaps I am only speaking for myself here, so don't take offence. I am a very selfish creature, but I am entitled to be, because only I care about myself first and foremost. Just like georgina cares about georgina the most, and chrystal cares about chrystal the most, cindy cares about cindy the most. Now cindy should stop talking in the third person because cindy doesn't like her name very much. 

Self indulgence means serving one's own needs. When I need to play supermario rpg, I get my ass over to my laptop and gorge myself on supermario rpg. 

But self indulgence is not necessary a bad thing- as it is, ultimately, fuel. (and fuel is hard to come by these days. Just check the oil prices). If you want something really bad, you work hard in order to get the mysterious something. You wont necessary become a better person, but hey, it makes you happy. Isn't that what's important in life? 

15% peer pressure: I'm not only talking about the standard schoolyard peer pressure. I'm talking about approval from the people surrounding you: your family, friends, hot crush, whatever. It's about conforming to the masses, fulfilling other people's expectations of you. 

You don't do this for yourself, but you do this so others approve. 

I really, really, do not like this one. And its 15% of what drives me?! Oh, shame, shame! 

I must cut this down. Easier said than done though, just like everything else.

Now bake the pizza in an oven of self-reflection (or heat convection. I dunno, you can tell I don't do physics). Yes self-reflection is oh so good for you, but painful as hell and gives me a headache. And all this self-reflection is giving me a headache. I shall go off to ermm...play supermario rpg...

...So what drives you? Just gloss over it if you care to comment, please? I find all this quite interesting.

Just humor me.